Consistently Inconsistent

I wrote four different posts (and erased them all again) before this one. I want to write something, there's an urge for it inside of me but it just does not translate.

I've been reading some people's blogs, and some of them blog with reckless abandon. No holds barred, emotions bared to the world. Some talk about their heartbreaks with almost pitiful self-pity, others talk about their sexcapades that borders on pornography. I respect both, for what they have is consistency and passion. Two things I lack...

I have not written about my love stories for a long long time. I have not written about my heartaches for a long long time too. There's a thick wall cordoning off that section of my life from public scrutiny. I reveal myself to those I can trust, but to do so on such an open arena like this? Don't think I can.

I am not a cold man, I have feelings and oft I find it bruised and broken. As eloquent as I am, I can not find the right words to express myself, not for the life of me. I tried several times, and it always sounded fake and guarded. I'd rather not write, if all I write will be lies (or half-lies, does it matter?)

I don't believe I have more than 5 returning visitors, I bet most people are just turned off by the bland white background and layout, and also the bland contents that I have. See, now I have a conflict. I started out with no intention to let anyone know about this blog, because I wanted to just blog senselessly without anyone saying "hey, he used to write better than this". Now I'm lamenting that this is a lonely blog. Ha, if there's such a thing that is.

I don't know really, I don't even have a counter. I don't really care, just that sometimes the narcist in me wanted to know if people are reading. Weird.

Ohh I'm rambling. For what it's worth, this worth nothing. Would I change my style, I don't know. I hate blogging at the office, because I feel stiff and restrained by the environment. Shit, even this paragraph is lacking in consistency now.

And to think that I have a dream to become a writer, heh.