Monday, August 18, 2008

Everybody's Sin

I've found some very very good blogs of late, and some of them are actual writers. As I read their fluent prose and sentences, I started to lament my own shortcomings as an aspiring writer. Yes, I've always wanted to write for a living. Unfortunately I have nothing to show for even after all these years of aspiring.

For a while back then, I wrote poetry (yeah, laugh it up!). My mom wrote Malay poems which often reminds me of Usman Awang, whether she's aware of it or not. I wrote english ones, which upon rereading it now, reads like a bad attempt at Poe. At best. Dozens more remain unfinished, some are just one liners even.

I used to write short stories too, most of it left unfinished when I lost the plot midway. There were a few grand plans with Ainaa to write a collaboration-style novella which never saw completion. Nothing new there.

I bought the laptop with the plan of writing something worthwhile for once, so that I won't make an excuse that the PC is hidden behind a wall of junk that I can't use it to type out my premier work. Ahh, the follies of the lazy.

Perhaps, perhaps I'm not cut out to be a writer after all. My grammar is atrocious, my mom the English teacher has long given up on trying to correct it. I've always been told I have a good vocabulary, but even that is no longer my forte I feel. I'm beginning to go lazy and use the same old words over and over, leaving the more flamboyant or colourful ones disused. Left to rit and die in my mind.

I am 25, but not far from turning 26. Is this it? Am I going to accept defeat now and live free of the nagging feeling that I'm wasting my talents away. Do forgive my self-indulgent use of the word talent, since I subscribe to the mantra 'if I don't think highly of myself first, who will?'. Misleading? Tak kisah lah.

But then, the twist is, writing keeps me sane. I write because I have to. I blog because it's the easiest way to write now. I think I may have forgotten how to write with a pen. I write to let my thoughts out, lest they be trapped and go stale inside my mind. Stale thoughts are poison, mark my words. Thence I keep holding on to this dream of someday seeing something I wrote in print. It might be in the bargain bin after a few weeks, but I wouldn't feel bad about it. At least that one lifelong dream will be fulfilled at last - to be a writer.

You may say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. Right on, John.

10 comments:

|1f34|-|1r3 said...

haha...ko ingat lg x novel yg ko nak wat dulu..pasal alien invade bumi..then the earthlings fought it back...last skali berjaya..earthlings semua dah dok bawah tanah dah time tuh...oh...good old days !!

Dan Cinta Terbang Lagi said...

Like honest
I came here for aspiration
of words
If you are dreamer
I like to think Im a writer at heart :)
Have a lovely day

Hani @ Somethin' Light

The Banker said...

life4hire: serious? aku pon x ingat beb, hehe

hani: that's a very nice compliment, thanks. u hv a nice day as well ;)

kidd said...

Monica's story yg aku 'beli' dulu ada baca?now, where do i put it,that book, i think i gave it to somenone.

dizzy said...

everyone is cut out to be a writer. everyone! that's why writers can be so miserable.

at any given moment someone could jump into the dark side and totally usurp their position, therefore losing all sense of feeling special they took so long to cultivate.

aishah said...

nice writing.
made me think of my own dream. i used to dream of being a writer too. malay or english, doesnt really matter though. the point is, i m always short of idea. heh. and time, perhaps. good luck with ur dreams! ;)

The Banker said...

kidd: aku x sempat baca, lepas sorang2 pinjam that book in the end i dunno with whom dah

dizzy: everyone can be one, but doesn't mean that they're good at it ;) i think i'm one of these folks, hehe

aishah: good luck to u too!

|1f34|-|1r3 said...

serious ni beb..aper la ko lak lupa..aku plak yg ingat lg..padahal ko punyer story..aku tumpang sumbang idea jer..kuakuakuakua

The Banker said...

life4hire: haha, i must've churned out quite a bit zaman2 productive dulu. now mmg x ingat dh la, hehe

Anonymous said...

Dream on baby...